Joe should not have been my type.
I teach fitness and do yoga regularly. Being in shape is important to me.
Joe was about 200 pounds overweight.
He had included full body shots in his profile on Tinder so I knew he was large. I’d swiped right because I was intrigued by a photo of him in a television studio and because I’m generally a sucker for creative and media types.
But, when I first saw him in person, he looked much bigger. I almost turned around but I didn’t. Instead, I told myself, “everyone has something to offer” took a deep breath and introduced myself.
I’m so glad I did.
By the end of our first date I was certain that I would sleep with him, and frankly couldn’t wait for it to happen.
How did my emotions go from dread to total attraction over the first three hours we spent together?
I wish I’d had a camera following us during the day, because it was a perfect play-by-play of how to create and escalate attraction on a first date.
Thinking back, however, I can break it down to nine specific things that, when combined, produced a heady cocktail of dopamine and dirty thoughts, that had me craving more.
1. He exuded confidence.
Joe was solid inside and out. He never once made self-deprecating jokes or put himself down. His body language and words gave the impression that he was totally at peace with who he was and where he was in life, the good and the bad.
Knowing male psychology as I do, inside, I’m sure a part of him really wanted to impress me but on the outside whether I approved of him or not seemed irrelevant.
Nothing is more attractive to women than confidence. This doesn’t mean being arrogant or boastful (big turnoffs). Instead, it’s about accepting and liking yourself as you are in this moment, warts or excess weight and all.
2. He was interesting.
Joe had a life. He had things he was passionate about and glowed when he talked about them. He had interesting stories to tell about his past. He’d overcome obstacles and survived them. Yes, it helped that he worked in the media and knew from years of experience how to tell a story. But even if he hadn’t, he would have still been entertaining. His passion for the things he spoke about shone through.
Women want to know about your character. Your stories about your life show your values in action. Learn how to tell a good story, and you’ll learn how to get her attention.
3. He listened to me and paid attention to details.
Joe shared things about himself but also asked questions about my life. When I spoke, he genuinely listened. What’s more, he noticed the little things I said and brought them up later in the day. I was impressed.
Women remember details. When a man remembers details about her, it makes her feel valued, interesting and important which in turn makes her like you more.
4. He built tension by teasing me.
Early in the date, I shared something slightly weird about myself. It was personal and yet ripe for the ribbing. Sensing this wasn’t a touchy area, Joe turned my confession into a running joke, playfully mocking me at various times throughout the day in a lighthearted way. While I could totally see the humour in it, inside a part of me wanted to redeem myself.
When done at the right time, teasing creates a subtle status transfer. This in turn gives you the upper hand in the interaction. Joe was a master at this. (For tips in this area, check out 10 teases women secretly love.)
5. He displayed intelligence.
When I asked Joe why he held such a strong opinion on an issue I didn’t know much about, his response was so well-formulated and filled with facts I had been unaware of, I was slightly blown away. It was at this very moment that I first realized I was attracted to him.
Women like intelligence. A man who demonstrates cognitive reasoning is a man who will be able to problem solve in the future, and a man who can problem solve (a.k.a. provide and protect) is inherently sexy.
6. He picked up on my cues and escalated contact slowly.
Joe didn’t jump into sexy talk or try to put his arm around me right off the bat. He watched my body language and followed suit.
Once he felt that we had established a mental connection, he tested the waters by standing closer to me. When I didn’t move away, he took that as a sign of my receptivity to him and escalated his level of touch by gently taking me by the arm to show me something. Eventually, he asked me to whisper something jokingly in his ear.
All of these were little tests to ascertain my level of comfort with being physical with him.
Women need, more than anything, to feel safe around the guys they are with. Try to initiate physical contact too early and she’ll be creeped out. Always test her receptivity with small increases in physical proximity and touches in non-sexual places (shoulders, wrists, elbows, upper back) first before making a bigger move (waist, hands, neck and face) . If she backs away, back off. If she returns your advances, slowly take things forward, then back off for a while, then slowly take things forward again.
7. He made a move.
About half way through our date (brunch and a visit to a museum), Joe suggested we sit on a bench. I cozied up next to him, he put his arm around me and pulled me closer. From that moment on, I knew he was clearly into me… and that I liked it. He also knew that he was safe to try something more.
Later, while standing in the middle of the museum, discussing who knows what, he leaned forward and kissed me. It was a bold move. And it was hot. By the end of the day, we were holding hands and looking for corners to make out in.
If a woman has given you clear signals that she is into you (for example: standing close to you, leaning into you when she talks, initiating small amounts of physical contact with you and staying receptive to your own subtle advances), you need to make a move. Women like men who have the balls to go after what they want, especially when what they want is someone who is clearly starting to want them in return.
8. He flattered me in a genuine way.
While Joe spent most of the day teasing me and joking about our clear lack of chemistry (in between regular conversation), after we kissed he told me I was beautiful inside and out and my heart melted.
Every woman needs to hear these things but we need to hear them at the right time. Tell a woman she’s beautiful too early and she’ll think you are just into her for her looks or sex. Wait to flatter her about her appearance until it’s clear that she feels safe with you and has shown she is into you too. In the meantime, however, feel free to flatter her about her character, personality, taste or anything else you admire. Just don’t be a sycophant about it. Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
9. He was a good kisser.
This might be subjective because frankly I don’t know how other women like to be kissed or touched when they are being kissed. But I do know how I like to be kissed and Joe was the best kisser I’d had in a long time. I liked the way he caressed the back of my neck with just the right amount of pressure and I liked the way he smelled.
Kissing is a tricky thing – too much tongue and she might be like “Whoa buddy! Relax with the tonsil hockey.” Too little or no tongue at all and she might be like “Ugh. I wonder what else he’s stingy with?” Furthermore, grope those private parts too soon and you’ll be cut off. When kissing a woman for the first time, go slow. Focus on the kiss and show her you are capable of savouring that moment. Your hands can do the roaming later.
Women are looking for the whole package
When women first meet you, they are evaluating you on a checklist of items including intelligence, character, playfulness, morality, status, confidence and appearance. Because Joe scored so high on almost all of these, by the end of the date I started thinking, “I think I like bigger dudes!”
If your dates have been sucking and not going the way you want them to, take a look at the list above and ask yourself, which of these am I not doing? If you need confidence, get confidence. If you’re not teasing her, learn how to reverse your status so she is looking up to you. If you’re not making a move, take a risk and do it.
The worst that can happen is rejection and that will only make you stronger. The best that can happen is… well what happened on our second date – but that’s a blog for a different site.