Dear nice guy,
Thank you for a lovely date. You were polite, well-rounded and intelligent. The restaurant you chose was impressive, the band at the bar we went to after was rocking, and I was thrilled that you knew how to dance.
In fact, I might have even considered sleeping with you if you’d given me any sign whatsoever that you were interested. But you didn’t.
Yes, you might think you did – you asked me out, opened the car door for me and paid for dinner. But those things were nothing but an indication that you were a gentleman who potentially wanted to know me better. I say potentially because, although the date started out promising, you could have been my brother for all the sexual tension between us.
And so, at the end of the night, I assumed there was simply no sexual chemistry.
When you asked me out again – even though I later found out you were really into me – I was confused. Did you want to hang out again as friends?
To me there was clearly nothing else between us because you gave me no signal that there was. Perhaps on that first date you were afraid I would rebuff your advances. Or maybe you thought, “I bet she gets hit on by a lot of guys who just want sex and I’m going to differentiate myself by not being that guy” (even though you also wanted sex).
Or maybe you wanted to say or do something suggestive but had no clue how to do it.
Well, here’s a tip for your future first dates.
Have some balls and take a risk!
When a woman is interested in a man, she wants to know two things:
- that she can trust him
- that he desires her
Although you certainly felt trustworthy, you failed to make it known that you desired me.
And here’s the thing, you didn’t have to hit me over the head with it. In fact, with my girlfriends and I, it’s often far more effective (and fun) if you say it in an indirect but still obvious way. W
omen are pretty bright when it comes to reading between the carefully crafted lines. Not sure what I mean?
Here’s an example from a more successful date with another “nice guy.”
He was a quiet, introverted type who held his cards close to his chest. We had developed a rapport over drinks discussing food and films but by mid-date I still couldn’t get a clear reading on if he was into me until… After answering a question of mine, he paused, looked me straight in the eyes, raised his eyebrows and said, “Now, let me ask you something… Did you shave your legs today?”
Instantly, I knew he wanted to touch me, and more, if I let him. And this admission, plus the fact that he had the courage to say it made him ten times sexier to me. With that one line, he was not only checking how I felt about him, he assumed the close, which:
- takes balls and
- is hot.
Answering yes to his question didn’t mean I had to sleep with him, but it did change his prospects from possible restaurant/film buddy to potential lover. And that tension made the rest of the night much more exciting.
So am I saying that nice guys should come right out and say, “I want to bang you”?
Absolutely not. What worked in the line above is that it wasn’t direct. Rather, my date simply turned my thoughts in that direction by saying something that suggested he wanted to have sex with me in a playful, flirtatious way. Yes, you have to be bold but you don’t have to be an asshole.
And, this is critical for all men to understand:
Women like it when men – after demonstrating that they are interested in getting to know other parts of the woman – insinuate the idea of sex but it generally turns women off when men come right out and say it directly… at least on the first date. Once you have established rapport, dropping a few flirtatious comments:
- shows that you are creative and fun man who would likely be creative and fun in other parts of your life
- makes women feel safer around you which builds the trust they need to take the relationship further
In a recent podcast on NiceGuyDating.ca, dating coach Kevin Alexander put it this way, “Allow your sexual interest in a girl to be made available to her.”
Women often send out what they think are obvious signals and then are shocked when men don’t pick up on them.
But it goes both ways. If you’re not letting us know (in some fun, non-aggressive way) that you’re into us, we’re not going to know.
So thanks “nice guy” for the dinner, drinks and dancing. I won’t be seeing you again but, if you read this letter and come up with some lines of your own, I hope someone else will.
After all, you are polite, well-rounded, intelligent and can dance. All you need now is the confidence to match.